Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
