You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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