I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
