just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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