just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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