she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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