i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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