forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the condom got lost in my hair
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
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This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
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It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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