nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
