I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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