Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
