I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I supernannyed him into submission
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
