I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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