I accidentally burped into my bong.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
