he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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