I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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