what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Someone came in the potted fern
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
