If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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