it's too hot outside to masturbate.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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