This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
