i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
