I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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