Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
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Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
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I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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