There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
