Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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