dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Pants are for mortals
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
