on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
