tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
