Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
