he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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