I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
