I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
