Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
