After last night, I could never be a politician.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
