meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
