I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
