What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
no, he came in my armpit
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
