I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
