last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
