smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
