Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
