well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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