Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
