cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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