So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize