hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
