if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
