my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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