hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
