alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
