What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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