The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
