Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
