I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
