you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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