it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
