He uses pillows to masturbate.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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