Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
