A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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